


fatherhood

by asmaanixx



Category: Ishq Mein Marjawan 2
Genre: Alcohol, F/M, Fear, Guns, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Intimidation, Nightmares, Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-13 15:13:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29528304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asmaanixx/pseuds/asmaanixx
Summary: Vansh's journey of entering into fatherhood.
Relationships: Riddhima/Vansh Raisinghania
Kudos: 6





	fatherhood

It had been nearly a week since Ishani had lost her baby. During this week, everything had changed for Vansh. The pride he used to have in his ability to take care of his family was now non-existent. The confidence in which he used to prance around believing himself to be an invincible force was completely gone. All that remained of him was a hollow shell of broken promises. The vows he used to make to his sisters every year on Rakshabandhan? All a lie. The silent oath he had taken to protect his future niece/nephew? Died right along with them.

Growling, Vansh threw the glass of whiskey in his hand.

He’s a complete disgrace. A complete and utter failure as a brother, as an uncle, a son and husband. There’s no way he would fail in another relationship. There’s no way he would fail in becoming a father. He will make sure of it. Riddhima and he, they can never have a child.

“Vansh?” Riddhima came running to the poolside. “Kya hua? Kaanch tootne ki awaaz aayi thi. Tum teekh toh ho?”

Vansh stared at her concerned eyes.

In a dead voice, he told her, “You can never get pregnant.”

Riddhima blinked in shock. She shook her head, fearing she misheard him. “Vansh?”

He didn’t bother to clarify or repeat himself. Instead, he simply walked away from the poolside, leaving his wife with his heavy words.

* * *

A few days had passed since Vansh had imparted his decision onto Riddhima. She had approached him with the intention of speaking to him further on the matter, but each time he would avoid it. Some part of him knew he wasn’t being fair to her. That he needed to elaborate on the matter but another part of him dreaded the conversation. Ishani losing her baby should be evidence enough as to why he can’t have a child. Was there really the need to explain it any further?

Riddhima came out of the bathroom patting her mouth dry. Vansh scrunched his eyebrows. She’s been doing that quite often. Though she didn’t say anything to him, he saw the way she would clutch her forehead and rub at the temple. Or the way she would hold onto the railing extra hard when she’s going down the stairs as if she were afraid she would fall.

Vansh marched into the bathroom and began sifting through the multiple drawers. Hot anger rose to his head, and dread chilled him to the bones. He sincerely hoped his assumption was wrong.

He stopped in his search when he finally found the one thing he had never wanted to see in his life. Grabbing the rectangular box, he stomped into the bedroom.

“Why the fck do we have this?” He questioned in a low voice.

Riddhima stared at the box, then at him. “Woh Vansh, mein-”

“Tum kya? Hmm?” Vansh asked, taking a step closer to her. “Meine tumse kaha tha na!”

“Ab ho gaya, mein kya karun?” She cried.

Her shaky hand touched her stomach. Vansh’s eyes burned with tears. She closed the distance between them with a tight hug. He wanted to push her away. Scream and shout at her for betraying him this way. She was supposed to be his wife. To stand beside him in every decision he took.

“Mein Maa bane wali hoon Vansh.” She revealed. He closed his eyes, and the tears rolled down his cheeks. “Tum Papa bane wale ho.”

He immediately snapped his eyes open. He grabbed her by the arms and held her away from him. His pupils dilated and were no longer able to see Riddhima clearly.

Shaking his head, he told her in a hushed whisper, “Kabhi nahi. Mein baap kabhi nahi banuga.”

“Vansh, yeh bacha tumhara hai. Tum hi iske Papa ho.” Riddhima tried to reason with him but nothing was going through his head.

“Tumhe sunayi nahi de raha. Mein Papa nahi banuga.” He repeated his last statement with a hard emphasis on each word.

“Par mein Maa banugi.” Riddhima spoke with equally firm words. After a moment of silence, she rested her gentle hand against his cheek. “I know abhi tum bahut takleef mein ho. But tum dekh na Vansh. This baby will be the best thing to happen to you.”

Vansh pushed her hand away from him. “It was supposed to be the best thing to happen to Ishani too. But look what happened. Do you want the same to happen to you?”

“Vansh!” She admonished in horror.

“Wake up Riddhima! Jo Ishani ke saath hua hai woh tumhare saath bhi ho sakta hai.” Vansh shouted as a clear attempt to intimidate her.

“Aur nahi bhi ho sakta.” Riddhima argued calmly. “Vansh tum 100% guarantee nahi kar sakte ki humare bache ko kuch ho sakta hai. Hum logon ke darr ke maare apna ghar kyun ujade?”

Vansh huffed. “Mein apni behan ke bache ki chita par apne bache ko janam nahi de sakta. Agar tum kar sakti ho toh kar lo. Mujhse koi umeed mat rakhna.”

“Vansh.” She whispered, stunned.

He flung the pregnancy kit across the room and walked out.

* * *

Three days had passed since he found out about Riddhima’s pregnancy. Three days in which his anger towards Chang, his disappointment with himself, and tension about Riddhima’s baby grew.

His phone pinged with a new text message.

** Riddhima: ** When are you coming home?

Vansh left it on read and clicked his phone off. He stood by the window and sipped on his whiskey.

It had also been three days since he had gone back home. He had gotten multiple phone calls asking about his whereabouts and his intention of returning. Vansh didn’t reveal the former, and as for the latter, he gave no indication.

Vansh didn’t know as to what the exact date of his return would be. Part of him didn’t want to. What would he even achieve from doing so? Would it bring back Ishani’s child? Would it restore the faith that a sister had in her older brother? Would it make his family trust him again?

The answer to every one of those questions was a hard and definitive no. It was best if he didn’t return. Being with them didn’t provide any protection. Maybe staying away from them would.

* * *

It had taken much difficulty to track down Chang. When he heard of his son being held hostage, the man came out of whatever dark corners he had been lurking in.

Vansh pressed the cool barrel of his gun to the little boy’s head.

“VR don’t you dare!” Chang shouted. He couldn’t do much else considering he was tied tightly to a chair. “Leave him out of this!”

“Give me one good reason why.” Vansh pressed the gun further.

“We don’t harm kids VR! It’s our strict rule.” Chang shouted.

“Where was your rule when you killed my sister’s baby?” Vansh asked.

Chang breathed heavily. Confused, he was only able to mutter out a, “Wha-”

“My sister,” Vansh elaborated, “the one you shot? She was pregnant. And because of  you ,” Vansh pointed the gun at him, “the baby is dead.” He pressed the gun at the little boy’s head again. “So tell me again why I should give a  _ fck _ about the rules.” Vansh seethed.

“He didn’t do anything.” Chang cried. “He’s innocent.  _I’m_ the one who ordered the hit. Punish me.” Chang tried scooting forward in his chair but he was held back by Vansh’s men. “Whatever you want to do, do it to me. But leave my son alone.”

Vansh removed the gun from the boy’s head and came to squat before him. He couldn’t have been more than ten years old. It was a shame that he had to witness such a horrific event at such a young age. But Vansh supposed that’s how the cycle goes. The sins of the father are paid by the son.

“Your dad is a murderer.” Vansh told the boy. “He has killed many people. Innocent, guilty, he doesn’t care. He lies about truth, honor and loyalty through his teeth and wouldn’t think  _ twice _ before stabbing someone in the back.” Vansh grunted, startling the boy. “ _ That’s _ the truth about your father, boy. Whether he lives or dies, I’ll leave that up to you.”

Keeping his eyes locked on the boy, Vansh raised his gun and shot in Chang’s direction. The silence in the darkened warehouse became overwhelmed with Chang’s screams of pain and the boy’s loud cries for his father.

Vansh stood up, pocketed his gun back into its holster and undid the restraints on the boy. He immediately ran to his bleeding father. Vansh took one long look at the two. He then quietly left with his men.

* * *

Vansh paused in his tracks when he saw Riddhima in his hotel room. The manager of the hotel was going to be fired tonight.

Ignoring her, he walked to the mini bar. He poured out a glass of whiskey. Turning around, he offered it to her with an amused smile. Riddhima glared at him in disbelief.

Taking a sip, he asked her, “What the hell are you doing here?”

“When are you coming home?” She demanded, taking a step towards him.

Vansh eyed the oversized black hoodie and pair of sweatpants she had on. “The fck are you wearing?”

“In case you forgot, I’m pregnant!” Riddhima spat out.

Vansh rolled his eyes. “Congratulations.” He bit out sarcastically. He gestured towards the hotel’s phone. “Should I order a bottle of champagne? We can both celebrate the good news.”

He had picked up the receiver to dial for room service when Riddhima grabbed it out of his hand and slammed it back down.

“I don’t want any fcking champagne. I want you back home!” She shouted.

“Kyun?” He trailed a finger against her face. “Itni yaad aa rahi hai meri?”

Riddhima pushed his hand away. “What is wrong with you Vansh? Ghar mein itna sab kuch ho gaya, tum aise achanak se kaise jaa sakte ho?”

Vansh rolled his eyes and sipping on his drink, walked away from her.

“Vansh, mein tumse baat kar rahi hoon.” Riddhima shouted.

“What do you want from me?” He asked, spinning on his heels to face her.

“For you to come back home.” Riddhima answered softly. Resting one hand on his chest, she slid the other to cup his face. “Please Vansh. I need you.”

Vansh stared at her. “Really?” He held the hand that was against his cheek. “What do you need me for?” He stepped closer to her. He gazed down at her lips before he bent his head to kiss her. “Is this what you want? Do you need me for this?”

Riddhima tried pulling away from him but he kept her close with his strong arms enveloping her back.

“What’s wrong Riddhima? You wanted this right? You need me for this?” He kissed her again.

“Vansh leave me!” Managing to get some space between them, she slapped him across the face. Chest heaving, and tears rolling down her cheeks, she asked in a surprised whisper, “What is wrong with you?”

Vansh ground his teeth. He downed the remnants of his whiskey, and pointed at her stomach. “Keep that thing away from me.”

Riddhima looked at him horrified. “Thing? Vansh yeh humara bacha hai!”

“Yours!” Vansh yelled back. “It’s only yours. Abhi bhi time hai, abort it. But if you decide to keep it, mujhse koi expectation mat rakhna.”

“Vansh.” Riddhima’s lips quivered.

“Get out.” Vansh walked back to the mini bar to pour himself another drink.

“Vansh, I’m your wife.” She scolded.

“No,” He turned around, swirling his drink. “you’re too busy being a mother right now. Jab biwi ban ne ka mann kare aa jaana. We’ll both be waiting.” With his drink in his hand, he gestured towards the bed.

Vansh noticed her body tighten up. Her hands clenched into fists, and her jaw clamped down. Her eyes burned with a deep offense. Without saying another word, she left the hotel room, making sure to slam the door on her way out.

Vansh downed his drink in one go.

Good. The more she hated him, the easier it’ll be for her to stay away from him.

* * *

A month had passed since his last real encounter with Riddhima. He had hoped his behavior would have been enough to repel her but he should have known better. She was the most stubborn creature he had ever laid eyes on. Despite his disapproval, she kept showing up to the hotel wanting to see him. She was refused every time. The eviction of the previous hotel manager and front receptionist had struck a good amount of fear in the rest of the staff members.

Still, she would arrive early morning and wait for him at the hotel lobby until the late hours of the night. When the day would pass without her seeing him, she would send up various parcels. Handwritten letters, golden manila envelopes containing her medical reports, even a thumb drive which apparently contained ultrasound x-rays and videos of the growing fetus.

There were times when he was tempted to go down, pull her into his arms, and kiss her senseless. Other times he wanted to shout, and humiliate her in front of everyone in the hopes she would leave him alone once and for all.

He did neither of those things. Instead, one day in the quiet hours of the night, he slipped out of the hotel and never returned. That had been two weeks ago. Now when he passed by the hotel lobby, he didn’t secretly catch glimpses of his wife in the numerous hanging mirrors. When he laid his head against the pillow, he didn’t feel the temptation to invite his love inside and lay with him in bed. He woke up cold in the morning and went to sleep just the same.

* * *

News of what Vansh had done with Chang had spread like wildfire to his ‘associates’. He was once again given the thorny crown of He-Who-Should-Be-Feared and his reign of terror began on all those who had dared to conspire against him.

There was an attempt made to lay down new rules but as expected not everyone had agreed with him. There were a few who thought it would be a good idea to eliminate him altogether. They soon met their own deaths. Even though blood was spilled, Vansh showed one last act of mercy. Those who wished to leave, could. Several left unscathed, wishing to remain in his good books. A minor few burned their bridges with him. These were the ones Vansh was keeping a keen eye out for.

All in all, it was just another day at the ‘office’ for him.

Vansh sipped on his drink and gazed out at the city lights. In the mirror’s reflection he saw the empty bed behind him.

* * *

_ Sneers, mocking jibes, faces pressed close up against him. _

__

_ Powerful kicks poured down on him that certainly fractured if not broke his ribs. Heels pressed against the back of his hands, his arms were pinned down. A cackling laughter resonated while a switchblade was pressed into his stomach. Initials would have been carved had he not attacked back. _

__

_ He kicked at the air. Vansh sat up confused. He stared at his hands. They were his adult ones, not teenager’s. _

__

_ A baby cooed. _

__

_ Vansh was standing. _

__

_ A cradle was the only illuminated object in the dark space. _

__

_ He took slow careful steps towards it. He towered over it expecting to see a baby. He found a soft downey blanket smeared in blood instead. Trembling hands picked it up. _

__

_ “Vansh.” _

__

_ He turned around. _

__

_ Riddhima. _

__

_ In a hospital gown. Drained of color. Blood against her belly. Blood on her hands. She reached out for him. _

__

_ He ran towards her. The floor ate him up before he could reach her. Last thing he saw, her collapsing to the ground. _

Vansh sat up in bed, gasping for air. Cold sweat coated his entire body. He glanced towards his right and saw it empty. He panicked even more. She should be there. Riddhima should be there.

He bolted out of bed and grabbed for the car keys.

* * *

“Riddhima, Riddhima.” He shook his wife’s slumbering body. “Riddhima, wake up. We have to go.”

“Wha-?” She answered sleepily.

“Riddhima, we have to go.” He lifted her up.

“What are you doing? Leave me alone!” She screamed.

Vansh shook her as a way of quieting her but it had the opposite effect. He pushed her back onto the bed and placed his hand over her mouth.

“Shhh.” He pressed a finger against his lips. “Don’t say a word.”

Riddhima stared back at him in terror. He looked down at her stomach. It was covered with a red blanket. Vansh shook with terror.

“No.” His voice trembled. He held Riddhima’s face and frantically told her, “Mein tumhe kuch nahi hone dunga. You hear me.  _ Nothing _ will happen to you.”

“Vansh you’re scaring me.” She cried.

He ran a hand across her head. “Don’t be. I’ll take care of it. You understand? I’ll take care of it.” Riddhima looked back at him confused. “Come with me.” He tugged at her hand.

“Kahan le jaa rahe ho?” She asked.

“Stop asking questions and just come with me.” He insisted, tugging at her hand harder.

“No!” She resisted.

“Riddhima!” Vansh had merely turned around when something came crashing over his head.

He fell to the ground clutching his head. When he looked up, he saw Riddhima holding an upside down vase, absolutely terrified out of her mind. His eyes fell to her stomach. There was a small bulge pressing against her nightgown. How long was he gone?

He got on his knees and crawled towards her. Riddhima gripped the vase tighter. Vansh kept crawling towards her until her stomach was at his level. His shaky hands reached out for her. Riddhima took a small step back, but remained ready to attack if the need arose. Vansh’s trembling hands stilled only when they landed on her bump.

They both remained like that in silence until Vansh broke it with a croaked, “Riddhima.”

She closed her eyes and allowed hot tears to roll down. She lowered the vase and let it fall to the ground. Vansh pressed his lips against her stomach and wailed. Riddhima ran her hands through the back of his hair. He wrapped his arms around her and hugged her tightly.

Vansh didn’t know how long he cried or how long it had been since he cried like that. All he knew was that he found a peace in Riddhima’s embrace that had been absent from him for a long time.

“Vansh, utho.” She beckoned him upwards.

He shook his head. He didn’t want to move from his peaceful state.

“Vansh, please utho.” Riddhima hooked her hands underneath his armpits and led him up.

He plopped on the bed. He stared at the red blanket. It wasn’t as soft as the one in his dream nor was it the same shade of red. Yet, the panic it instilled within him was the same. He gathered it into a bundle and tossed it away.

“Vansh!” Riddhima looked on in shock.

“You’re never using that blanket ever again.” He told her in a strict tone.

Riddhima released a deep breath. She rested her back against the headboard, straightened her legs out before her and tapped her thighs. Vansh stared at her.

“Yahan aao Vansh.” She commanded.

He went towards her and let her lay his head against her lap. Right in front of him was her slowly growing stomach. His throat felt like it would choke up. He squeezed his eyes shut.

“Aankhen kholo Vansh.” She instructed. “Aankhen band karne se sach nahi badal jayega.”

He shook his head.

“Vansh.” She ran a hand through his hair. He wrapped his arms around her and hugged her again. “Please Vansh. Aankhen kholo.”

His body trembling, Vansh opened his eyes. The tears burned and blurred his vision.

“Baby ko hi nahi kahoge?” Riddhima gently asked.

Vansh slowly shook his head.

“Hi Baby.” Riddhima cooed, rubbing a hand over her stomach. “Dekho kaun aaya. Papa aaye hai.” Vansh sobbed. “Meine kaha tha na bahut jald aa jayenge. Naraz ho sakte hai, gussa kar sakte hai, but zyaada din door nahi reh sakte. Papa Mama se bahut pyaar karte hai.” She continued to pet Vansh’s hair. “Aur aap se bhi karenge. Aap bas aa jao phir dekhna. Mama se bhi zyaada pyaar karenge Papa.”

Vansh shook his head and curled his arms tighter around Riddhima. “Kabhi nahi. Tumse zyaada pyaar kissi se nahi kar sakta. I don’t want anyone else Riddhima. Mujhe nahi chahiye.”

“Vansh.”

“No. I can’t, mein, I just can’t Riddhima.” He closed his eyes. “I can’t lose someone else. I just can’t.”

“Vansh, humare baby ko kuch nahi hoga.” She tried to soothe him.

“Mujhe toh ho sakta hai na!” Vansh sat up and shouted. “Mein toh mar sakta hoon na! Khud toh mere bina reh nahi sakti, bache ko kaise sambhalogi?” Riddhima’s face fell. “Aisi zindagi dena chahti ho isse?” He pointed at her stomach. “Jahan isse bina baap ke rehna parega?”

“Par tumhe kuch nahi hoga!” Riddhima argued.

“Ho sakta hai!” He grabbed her arms.

“Aur nahi bhi ho sakta!” She yelled back. “Vansh, life mein kissi bhi cheez ki guarantee nahi hai.” She cupped his face. “Meri jaan, hum dono kitni baar maut se lad kar jeeye hai. Abhi bhi zinda hai. Maar ne ke baare mein soch kar aaj kyun waste kar rahe hai?”

“Riddhima,” He closed his eyes and held her wrists.

“Vansh, less than a year ago I wasn’t even in your life.” She led his hand onto her stomach. “And now I’m carrying a part of yours.” She placed another hand against his cheek. “Life hai hi unpredictable. Kab kahan kya ho jaye, kissi ko nahi pata.”

“Wahi toh mein keh ra hoon.” Vansh said. “Bin baap rehna asaan nahi hai Riddhima.”

Riddhima looked at him offended. “You think I don’t know that? Vansh, you at least have a surname to fall back on. Mere paas toh woh bhi nahi hai. Growing up, na Maa thi na Baap. I had to make them up to make myself feel normal. Just because bari hote hue mein akeli thi iska matlab yeh thodi na hai ki mein zindagi bhar akeli rahungi. Mujhe family chahiye Vansh.” She held his face. “Mujhe tumhare saath family chahiye.”

“Riddhima, you’re still not understanding!”

“What am I not understanding?” Riddhima scolded. “Sab samajh aa raha hai mujhe. The way I see it Vansh, iss bache ka baap abhi bhi zinda hai but apni marzi se usse chod kar jaa ra hai. Woh jaan mooch kar usse neglect kar raha hai, apni responsibilities se door jaa raha hai because he just doesn’t care! He’s a selfish man jo har raat apni hi kabar khod ra hai.”

Vansh stared at her in shock. “Riddhima.”

“That’s the truth Vansh.” She asserted. Placing her hands on his face, she shook him. “Tum abhi zinda ho! Please iss baat ko samjho. You’re alive, I’m alive, baby bhi sahi salamat aaye ga.”

“Ishani-” Vansh cried.

“It was an unfortunate tragedy.” Riddhima soothed. “Jo kismat mein likha tha wahi hua.”

“Kismat?” Vansh spat. “Meri behan ki kismat mein  yeh likha tha?”

“Vansh-”

“Nahi, kehna kya chahti ho tum?” He pushed himself back. “Ki mein apne bache ke saath khelu while my sister doesn’t?”

“Vansh she can get pregnant again.” Riddhima argued. “Khok suni nahi hui hai.” Vansh snapped his eyes at her. Riddhima glared right back at him. Pointing a strict finger, she warned him, “Don’t give me that look. Meine jo kaha sahi tha. And you know what, tum ab kaan khol kar sun lo. I don’t know tum kisse itna darr rahe ho but mere liye mere bache ka sab se bada dushman abhi tum ho. Since the day you’ve found out about it thukrate jaa re ho and frankly I’ve had enough of it. Agar tumhe mere saath rehna hai toh baby ko accept kar ke uske baap ki tarah rehna parega. Nahi kar sakte toh raho akele jaise itne mahino se karte aa rahe ho.”

“Riddhima-” Vansh spoke weakly.

“Maa.” Riddhima answered. “Maa hoon mein. Aur mere baby ko koi bhi hurt kare mein bilkul bardaasht nahi karungi. Bhale woh baby ke Papa hi kyun na ho.”

Tears in her eyes, Riddhima got out of bed and walked into the washroom.

Defeated, and unsure of what to do, Vansh fell onto the bed. He curled up into a fetus and stared into nothing.

* * *

Fork in hand, Vansh stared at the empty dining table. He looked up when Riddhima came over with breakfast.

“Tum kyun kar rahi ho? Kitchen staff kahan hai?” He looked over his shoulder, half expecting to see them but Riddhima blocked his view.

“Kitchen staff hai.” She rested a hand on his cheek. “But mera mann kiya tumhare liye kuch banane ka.” She tilted her head. “So meine bana liya.”

She rubbed his cheek a little before she leaned in to kiss him. Vansh immediately relaxed. He held her hand until she took her own seat at the table.

“Baaki sab kahan hai?” He asked.

“Ishani Aangre ke saath uske ghar rahe rahi hai.” She informed, pouring out her tea.

“Daadi?”

“Aangre din bhar kaam par rehta tha, aur Ishani kaafi lonely feel karti thi. Siya ko darr lag ra tha ki kahin woh depression mein na chali jaye. So woh aur Daadi ab uske saath rehte hai.”

“Aryan?”

“Woh Chacha aur Chachi ke paas chala gaya. Usse bhi apni family ki yaad aa rahi thi.”

Vansh sipped on his black coffee. Scrunching his eyebrows, he asked, “Kabir?”

Riddhima’s hand stilled. She slowly chewed on her food.

“Riddhima, Kabir?” He asked again.

“Meine usse ghar se nikaal diya.” She answered, scratching at the plate with her fork.

“Kyun?”

“Ghar par koi nahi tha aur woh kuch zyaada hi close aane ki koshish kar raha tha.” She revealed.

Vansh trembled with fury. In his absence… with his wife… Kabir was dead.

“Where is he?”

Riddhima shrugged. “I don’t know and I don’t even care. Woh mujhse jitni door rahe better hai.”

“You were alone?”

Eyes glistening, she shook her head. “Nahin toh.” She smiled, and looking down, touched her stomach. “Mera baby tha na mere saath. Iske hote hue mein akeli kaise ho sakti hoon.”

Vansh felt his throat choke up. “Riddhima.”

“Tum ho ya na ho khatra toh rahega Vansh. But I would much rather deal with everything with you than without.”

Vansh got out of his seat and crouched down before her. He captured her fallen tear with his thumb and shook his head.

“I’m not leaving you Riddhima.” He stated.

She clutched the suit covering her stomach and waited expectantly. When Vansh didn’t add anything more, she hung her head and closed her eyes.

Once she had composed herself, she asked him, “Aaj meri doctor ke saath appointment hai. Saath chalo ge mere?”

He nodded.

* * *

Vansh tapped his foot and roamed his eyes around the doctor’s clinic. The pale green walls were covered with multiple pictures of giant white babies which made absolutely no sense to Vansh. They were living in a country whose inhabitants were largely of darker skin. Why on earth did they have pictures of white babies everywhere? Which brown skinned couples were producing these snowflakes?

“It’s nice to finally see you here Mr. Raisinghania.” The doctor commented, attracting his attention. She smiled as she moved the gelled device against Riddhima’s bare stomach. “According to your wife you’ve been a very busy man.”

Vansh looked at Riddhima who gave him a sheepish smile. The doctor glanced at him once more.

“Not much of a talker is he?” She asked Riddhima who shook her head.

Vansh rolled his eyes. “I’d appreciate it if you paid more attention to your job than on me.”

“Vansh!” Riddhima quietly admonished.

“What?”

“Aahh, here we go.” The doctor spoke, breaking up their little fight.

“What’s that?” He asked, peering at the screen.

“It’s your baby.” The doctor answered with a light chuckle.

“Where?”

“Right here.” She pointed at a specific region on the monitor.

“That little bean?”

She laughed. “We’re still in the first trimester so it is small. But there’s nothing to worry about. It’s growing as expected.”

Vansh stared at the screen. He didn’t know what that thing was, but it was not his baby.

* * *

Vansh glanced up at Riddhima from the file he had been poring over. Ever since they had left the gynaecologist’s office, she hadn’t said a word to him. He was uncertain as to what overcame her since there was nothing wrong with the baby or her. He had meant to speak to her about it but he had been pulled away by some business matters.

“Riddhima.” He called out to her before she could leave the room. “Yahan aao.”

She crossed her arms and remained standing in her place. “Kya hai?”

“You tell me. Problem kya hai?” Vansh stood up, and pocketed his hands.

“Tum.” She answered. “Tum meri problem ho.” She stepped towards him. “Meine tumse kaha tha na agar mere saath rehna hai toh baby ke Papa ki tarah rehna parega?”

“Toh mein gaya tha na tumhare saath.” He defended.

“But were you really there Vansh? Tumhari aankhein toh idhar udhar ghum rahi thi. And what kind of reaction was that? Pehli baar tumne baby ko dekha aur tumne usse rajma bula diya?”

“First of all, I called it a little bean, not a rajma.” Vansh corrected.

“Vansh!”

“I don’t know what you wanted me to do there!” He lifted and spread his arms out.

“I just wanted you to be there!” She shouted. “Haar baar I’ve been to these appointments alone. Mujhe laga at least iss bar koi toh hoga mere saath. But if this is how you’re going to behave phir rehne do Vansh. I don’t want you there. Pehle bhi akeli jaati thi aage bhi chali jaungi.”

“Riddhima-”

She didn’t bother to wait and hear what he had to say.

Sighing, Vansh rubbed the back of his neck. Staring at the ceiling, he wondered if he would ever be able to accept it.

* * *

Riddhima’s third trimester brought along a lot of changes.

The most obvious was her physicality.

Her belly had grown significantly, and her walk resembled more of a penguin waddling around than that of a human’s. He had made the mistake of mentioning the same to her and had to spend a better part of the night consoling her. He didn’t comment on her body after that, not even when she asked for his opinion. Which, he had quickly learned, wasn’t the best option for she had gotten upset thinking he didn’t find her attractive anymore. No matter how many gifts he bestowed upon her, it simply hadn’t been enough to win her over.

Apart from her belly, there were a lot of other matters troubling her. She constantly complained of backaches, and the slightest activity would make her feel winded. At night she would toss and turn, and repeatedly pull the blanket over and off herself. When she went down the stairs, she would do it one step at a time, holding onto the railings with a tight hand. He had told her they could shift downstairs but she had been adamant about staying in their room. Apparently, it was the only room she could gain any comfort in.

It wasn’t just her belly that grew large in size. It was Vansh’s worries and horror too. He knew it was still his Riddhima. The love of his life, his wife. But the mere sight of her was making him pause these days. The Riddhima he knew and fell in love with was a light and delicate little creature. The one who waddled around before him with her big belly somehow didn’t seem like his Riddhima. She was someone different.

Once, while returning from work, he had caught her rubbing her hand over her belly and talking to it as if it was a living thing. Vansh had frozen at the sight, wondering if she was slowly losing her mind. That night he had stayed up late exploring that very same subject. One click of the article had led to the next and before he knew it morning had arrived and his brain was filled with stories about pregnancies gone wrong.

He had cursed himself incessantly that day for not trying harder with the abortion. He hadn’t gone into work citing he wanted to spend the day with Riddhima. She had been extremely pleased with the idea and had spent a better part of it laying in his arms. Though not for the exact same reasons as her, Vansh had enjoyed the time spent with her. He had chosen to keep his eyes fixated on her face for every time they drifted down to her belly, an explicable amount of rage rushed over him. All he saw was a  _ thing _ that was causing his Riddhima harm. A  _ thing _ that he didn’t want because he didn’t want to be a father.

He had hugged Riddhima harder and kissed her a little deeper that night. If anything were to happen to his wife because of that thing growing inside of her, he would never forgive it.

* * *

Vansh paced outside the ICU.

Riddhima was brought to the hospital when her labor pains started a few days earlier than expected. She had been inside with the doctor and several nurses for hours trying to push the baby out in the traditional way but she had passed out midway. They had immediately rushed her inside for an emergency C-section and she had been in there for at least an hour now.

Each second that passed made Vansh’s heart race. He had read about these procedures and the risks they involved for first time moms. Heavy bleedings, clots, infections, anything could happen to Riddhima and there wouldn’t be a single thing he could do to stop it.

He looked at the empty space behind him. There was no one there. Ishani had refused to come citing she couldn’t possibly be asked to celebrate another person’s baby when her own was dead. Daadi had been there for some time but he had sent her home with Siya saying they both needed their rest. Chacha, Chachi and Aryan were still living in another city. Aangre too, had been unavailable as he had gone in Vansh’s stead to Bangkok for an important meeting.

In short, there was no one there with him. He turned back around and stared at the closed doors with teary eyes. He only had his Riddhima and she was currently lying unconscious on the operating table.

His heart constricted. He felt like he couldn’t breathe.

* * *

After another hour had passed, the ICU doors had finally swung open. The doctor approached him but he craned his neck to peek into the operating theater. He was horrified seeing all the blood on the table.

“Why is there blood? Where’s Riddhima? Is she okay?” He asked frantically.

“Relax Mr. Raisinghania.” The doctor spoke calmly. “Your wife is absolutely fine. She’s being shifted into another ward. As for the blood, that much is normal for surgical procedures such as this.”

He looked back up at the bloodied table. “Where is she?” He asked in a whisper.

“You can find her in Room 3002.” The doctor informed.

Vansh spun on his heels and bolted for the room. The doctor’s calls for him faded into the distance.

* * *

Vansh had been sitting with his unconscious wife for nearly half an hour. He had been reassured that she was fine and was simply resting but he refused to believe them until she opened her eyes and told him the same herself.

He had been rubbing his thumb over the back of her hand when a squeaking sound attracted his attention. There was a small cart being rolled into the room. Vansh watched as the nurse stationed it beside Riddhima. His heart started to quicken as the knowledge of what was in the cart began pricking the back of his mind.

“Would you like to hold your baby?” The nurse asked quietly so that she didn’t disturb Riddhima.

Vansh was frozen to his spot. He didn’t want to hold any baby. He wanted to run as far as he could with Riddhima by his side.

“Come on.” The nurse beckoned. “You can sit here on the sofa.” She stood by the furniture, and patiently waited for him.

Vansh stood up and with leaden feet, made his way over. He took his seat and ran his sweaty hands over his pants. As the baby was lowered into his arms, he began to shake. His brain short circuited. Did he forget how to move his hands? Does he even remember how to hold things? What was it that the book had said? Hold the baby by the neck or the head?

“Palms up.” The nurse instructed. “Cradle your arms.” Vansh did as she said. “Very good. Now, I’m going to very carefully place the baby in your arms. Here we go. Wasn't that easy?”

Vansh had no words. It was like his entire world had stopped. If not the world, his heart certainly did. He blinked his eyes and was surprised to feel his wet eyelashes brush against his skin. He was crying. It hadn’t even been a full minute since he was handed this little body and he had been reduced to tears.

“I’ll leave you two alone for a while. Just give me a call if you need me.” The nurse spoke softly.

Vansh didn’t bid her goodbye. His eyes were fixed on the tiny body in his arms. Vansh took in deep breaths but it was difficult to do so over how heavily he was crying.

Baby.

This was  _ his _ baby in his arms.  _ His _ . It was his flesh and blood. The newest member of the Raisinghania clan. An extension of  _ him _ specifically.

Vansh wondered if this was how his father felt when he held Vansh for the very first time. The oldest child, the first child. Did he share the same fears that were running through his mind? Did he worry about accidentally dropping the baby like he did right now? Did his mind also trouble him about the kind of future he could provide? Did he also look towards his wife when he was uncertain about what to do next?

Vansh cried harder.

He had never wanted his father to be by his side more than right now. Just a gentle hand on the shoulder, a few choice words to guide him in the right direction. Something,  _ anything _ to help him relieve this cloud of fear and anxiety that hung over his head.

Riddhima shifting in bed made him quieten. He sniffled. He wanted to hand the baby over to her right away but he didn’t dare move fearing he could harm the little one. He couldn’t even ask her to come over to him. Vansh looked around helpless.

“Vansh.” Riddhima’s low voice croaked through the silence.

“Riddhima.” He choked.

Slowly blinking, she smiled at him.

“Riddhima, I don’t-” He shook his head.

“You’re doing great.” She said reassuringly. “Did you hug it?”

Vansh looked down at the little body in his hands. He looked back at Riddhima and shook his head.

“Toh karo na.” She encouraged.

“Gir jayega.” Vansh said.

She shook her head. “Nahi gire ga. Tumne videos dekhi toh hai. Just hold it against your chest.”

Vansh slowly raised his arms and brought the baby close to him. He trembled the closer it got to him.

“Yahan lao.” Riddhima spread her arms out for the baby.

Vansh gulped and took a few deep breaths to calm himself. With great difficulty, he made himself stand. Once he felt confident his knees wouldn’t buckle underneath him, he took his first step towards her. It was a long walk across the short distance between them. Each step he took instilled a new cold fear in him. What if he dropped the baby on his way over? What if he messed up while handing it to Riddhima? What if he just failed at this?

He finally came to a stop before the inclined hospital bed and he hovered the baby over Riddhima’s body. Riddhima took the baby and cradled it into her own arms as if she was an expert at it. Vansh released a huge sigh of relief and felt for the stool behind him. He took his seat before his wife and watched on in awe.

“Hi Baby.” She cooed at it. “I’m your Mama. Aur yeh tumhare Papa hai. Meine kaha tha na aap jab aaoge Papa aap se bahut pyaar karenge. Aur dekho.” She let out a wet chuckle. “Papa loves you so much ki he was the first one to hold you.” She pressed a gentle kiss against the baby’s forehead.

“Riddhima, I don’t know if I can do this.” Vansh cried. “I-I don’t, it’s too much. I don’t know how to be a dad. I-I can’t even be a good person. How can I possibly be a good dad? I-I can’t.”

“Shh.” Riddhima pressed a hand against his cheek. “Lambi saans lo.” Vansh deeply inhaled. “Ab bahar.” He exhaled. “Phir se. Lambi saans andar.” He inhaled. “Ab bahar.” He exhaled. She rested back against the bed, and brought her hand down. “Vansh you’ll be absolutely fine.

“But Riddhima, yeh baby, I don’t know how to be a parent.” He spoke in a panic.

“Toh mujhe kahan pata hai.” Riddhima spoke to him, exhausted. “Mera bhi toh pehla baby hai na? Dheere dheere kar ke hum seekh lenge.”

“But I’ll fail.” He whispered.

“No you won’t. Jahan tum ladhkaraye, wahan mein tumhara saath de dungi. Aur jahan mein kamzor pari, tum saath de dena. You don’t have to do everything on your own Vansh.” Her eyes drooped.

“But Riddhima, mein-” Vansh stopped speaking, seeing Riddhima fall back to sleep.

He glanced at the baby and panicked when Riddhima’s arm fell limp. He immediately scooped the baby in his arms and held it against his chest. His heart raced fearing what would have happened had he not reached in time. Gently rocking it, he walked back to the sofa. He eyed the incubator cart for a few seconds. He should probably put the baby back in there but he couldn’t let himself impart with it just yet. He kicked his shoes off and gently brought his legs up. Nestling himself into the crook of the sofa, Vansh cradled his arm and stared at the sleeping baby.

It was so tiny, and soft, and fragile. How can such a thing even exist? Most importantly, how can  _ he _ create this? Riddhima, he can understand, but him? It’s not possible. Vansh was rough inside and out. He was a product of rage, blood, and violence. Moulded by the fires of hatred and revenge, there wasn’t a single ounce of love and compassion in his bones. How can he possibly be expected to adequately protect and care for this little being?

Vansh looked up at his wife. She was still sleeping.

She can do it. Riddhima can do everything that he can’t. She’ll love the baby with every fibre of her being, and be both a mother and father to it.

But how would that be fair?

Vansh looked down at the baby as if it had the answers he was seeking.

* * *

Vansh woke up to a shrill cry. He looked around the room for the source and landed on the incubator cart. He glanced down at his chest and panicked. There was no baby. Where the fck was the baby?

He bolted out of the sofa and went towards the cart. Sure enough, there it was. He breathed a huge sigh of relief and gently picked it up. One hand against its little bottom, and the other against its neck and head, Vansh slowly rocked it.

“Shh.” He hushed in a low whisper as he walked with it. “Arre chup ho jaa. Dikh nahi ra. Mama so rahi hai. Why are you disturbing her?”

As if to blatantly defy him, the baby cried louder.

“Shhh!!” Vansh rocked it further.

“Vansh.” Riddhima’s groggy voice called out to him.

“Riddhima, tum so jao. I’ll put it to sleep.”

“Vansh, bhook lagi hogi. Lao idhar.” She spread her arms out for it.

Vansh walked towards her and carefully posited the crying baby into her arms. Riddhima pulled down her nightgown and placed the baby’s mouth against her nipple. Vansh, who had taken his seat on the stool, looked away.

“Kya hua?” Riddhima asked him amusedly. “Aise kyun behave kar rahe ho jaise pehle kabhi dekhe nahi.”

Vansh stared at her with heated cheeks. “Riddhima!”

“What? It’s true. You’ve seen them before. Aur bahut kuch kiya bhi hai.” She further teased.

Vansh grew even more embarrassed. “Tum na bahut badal gayi ho.”

She continued to smile at him. “Tum bhi toh badal rahe ho.”

“No, I’m not.” He immediately defended.

“Jo insaan bacha chahta nahi tha, wohi apne bache ko apne seene se laga ke so raha tha. Isse badal na nahi kehte, toh phir kya hai?” Riddhima asked.

Vansh’s heart beat fast, and his hands grew clammy.

“Don’t worry. Sab aa jayega.” She told him, while looking down at the suckling baby.

“How do you know?”

“Because I know you.” She said with a smile.

“But-”

“And I trust you, and I love you.” She blinked at him reassuringly. “Trust me, and love us.”

Vansh looked at the baby. He wished he had the same confidence as Riddhima.

* * *

By the end of the week, Riddhima had been finally discharged from the hospital. Contrary to Vansh’s immense worry, there had been absolutely no complications with the pregnancy itself, or the post operative recovery. Most importantly, both the baby and Riddhima were completely healthy and fine.

When he brought them home, they were instantly greeted by Daadi who had been waiting for them at the threshold. She had done their aarti, applied the tilak on all three of them and had shed a few tears of joy. She had wanted to hold the baby right away but Vansh had refused to let her do so. He had made it a strict rule for everyone that unless they were seated on a bed, no one was allowed to hold the little one. Riddhima had smilingly rolled her eyes at him.

The entire day had passed with Riddhima and the baby being hogged by Daadi and Siya. Chacha and Chachi had called to offer their congratulations. They would be arriving within a few days to come and give their blessings to the baby. Aangre had also come home straight from the airport. Though he was ecstatic to see the baby, Vansh had seen the small glint of sadness in his eyes. Vansh had placed his hand on Aangre’s shoulder sympathetically, and the man had pulled Vansh in for a tight hug. It would take time, but Vansh truly hoped things would turn out alright for him.

Vansh had called Ishani to inform her about the baby. There had been a heavy silence over the line which was broken by a simple, “Congratulations.” Though he couldn’t see her, Vansh felt her constrained cry. The call was disconnected, and he felt an inexplicable loss.

He had stayed in Ishani’s room, curled up against the bed, and cried.

* * *

It was late in the night when Vansh had walked back into his room. To his surprise, Riddhima was still up.

“Abhi tak soyi nahi?” He mumbled.

“I was feeding the baby.” She informed him.

Vansh watched her pick up the little one and head towards the crib.

“Kahan le jaa rahi ho?” He gently touched her by the elbow.

“The crib.” She answered.

“Pagal ho gayi ho kya? Do mujhe.” He scooped the baby out of her arms. “Yeh yehi soyega.” He gently placed the baby in the middle of the bed.

He looked up to see Riddhima smiling at him. It was then that he realized she had no intention of keeping the newborn away from her. She slowly walked over to him and hugged him. He hugged her back and kissed her forehead.

“Riddhima, abhi bhi darr lag raha hai.” He confessed in a small voice.

“Vansh, you’ll be fine.” She tried reassuring him.

Vansh shook his head, still not convinced.

She rested a hand on his cheek. “You will be. You just need to spend more time with him.” Vansh looked at her in shock. She tilted her head in confusion. “Kya? Vansh, you do know we have a son right?”

Vansh’s heart raced. He removed her hand from him and looked away.

“Vansh.” Riddhima asserted. “Look at him.” Vansh looked at the sleeping baby. His breathing got heavy. “He’s your son.”

Vansh was starting to feel light headed. He walked away from them to take his seat in the corner. He looked down at his trembling hands.

“Vansh.” Riddhima had tried approaching him, but he raised a shaky hand at her.

She stopped in her tracks, turned off the light and went to bed. Vansh remained in his spot, letting the knowledge sink in.

He has a son.

He knew this. The doctor had told him. Had even referred to the baby with the he/his pronouns. Riddhima had even expressed her happiness, as did Daadi. Why did it not hit him until now? How did he ignore this for a whole week? Would he have reacted differently had it been a girl instead? Maybe. Or maybe not. But a son? That terrified him.

Sins of the father are paid by the son.

What he did to Chang, what if someone tried to return the favor? What if he was put in a position where his son had to choose whether his father lived or died? Or worse, if he ever confronted Vansh about his deeds, what would he even say? Did Vansh have the courage to look at the disappointment in his son’s eyes and tell him the truth?

He pressed his hands against his eyes to keep his tears at bay. It didn’t work. He sobbed as he realized in front of his son, he was just a weak, old man.

* * *

Vansh gently lifted the baby up from the water bath and placed him on the soft towel. Vansh lightly covered him up and began patting him dry. The baby let out a small laugh when Vansh patted him on his small tummy. A feeling akin to warm honey spread through Vansh’s heart. He ran his fingers over the baby’s stomach and it laughed again. Vansh too, smiled and chuckled.

Such a beautiful sound from someone so small.

Vansh leaned over and kissed him on the forehead. When he pulled away, he saw the baby flinch with his eyes closed. Vansh looked at himself in the mirror and ran a hand across his beard.

He looked down at the baby and finished cleaning him up.

* * *

“What happened to your beard?” Riddhima asked with an amused smile.

“Shaved it off.” He answered, gently bouncing the baby.

“I can see that, but why?” She asked, walking over to him.

“I think it was bothering the baby.” He revealed.

“Hmm.” Riddhima leaned down to whisper in his ear, “Kaafi hot lag re ho.”

Vansh faced her in shock. His eyes widened even more when Riddhima dragged his bottom lip between her teeth. Giving him a knowing, teasing smile, she left for the bathroom.

* * *

Riddhima’s moans filled the bathroom with Vansh’s every thrust. His eyes closed, he grunted as their hips connected.

_Fck_! How long has it been since they had sex? Almost a fcking year? What the fck?

Vansh brought Riddhima in for a kiss and moved harder into her.

“Vansh!” Her voice wobbled as her body shook under his rampant thrusting.

“Fck!” He cursed as he came into her.

Moments later, Riddhima too, clenched around him and quietly went through the motions of her orgasm. Vansh bent over and rested his head between her breasts. The two remained connected with each other as they breathed heavily and came down from their highs.

“I missed this.” Vansh breathed, pressing a kiss against her chest.

“Yeah? I thought you wouldn’t be interested.” She said in a small voice.

Vansh raised his head up in surprise. “Why would you think that?”

“Just look at me Vansh. I’m not the same.” Her eyes glistened.

“Hey,” Vansh rested a hand against her cheek, “you’re  _ my _ Riddhima. I’ll always want you okay?”

He leaned in to kiss her to further reassure her of his love. Riddhima pulled herself away from him, and gave him a light kiss on the cheek.

“We should clean up before the baby wakes up.” She told him.

Vansh hoped the baby wouldn’t wake up so soon. He didn’t mind going another round with his wife.

* * *

The birds were chirping outside and sunshine streamed in through the open windows. Riddhima was fast asleep, and the baby laid against Vansh’s bare chest. He was awake, and hitting Vansh’s skin with his soft little hands. Vansh gently poked his son’s tummy from the side making him laugh.

Vansh was once again amazed by just how small his son was. Sure, he was bigger than the first day he was born, but to Vansh, he was still quite tiny. He rested his large hand behind his son’s back while he hit him across the mouth. Vansh pressed kisses against his tiny hands and smiled when he started bouncing again.

He did that a lot. Bounce up and down, and clap his hands while he looked around. Vansh ran a gentle hand over his son’s head and looked into his eyes. They were as wide and round as Riddhima’s. His son put one hand in his mouth and Vansh pulled it out. Doe-like eyes stared back at him, and Vansh’s heart fluttered. How could he not feel love for someone so precious? He wasn’t just his son, he was also Riddhima’s. They both created him out of love. He  _ was _ their love. How could he possibly reject him?

* * *

Vansh gazed out at the city.

It had tried to consume him once; many, many years ago when he was ignorant to the world and its cruel ways. He had been a victim of its cold hands and had come close to caving in. He would have been lost to the dusty streets had he not chosen to pick up a weapon and defend himself instead.

Ever since, he has been fighting a daily battle. His throne has been constantly challenged and his life has been endangered for the littlest of matters. He used to enter these battles as a soldier. A man who had a sole mission of providing his family the best luxuries that life could provide. He had succeeded in his mission for quite a long time. He had eventually settled into a comfortable zone wherein he still risked his life, but he no longer feared leaving an impoverished family behind.

But then Riddhima entered his life and everything changed. He was no longer a soldier without a mission. He thought she had turned him into a simple man. A man who could love, and feel compassion for others. But he was wrong. She didn’t turn him into anything. She simply brought out different facets of him that he didn’t even know that he had.

He was still the same ruthless and cold hearted man to the people in his world. The very same day Riddhima had told him about Kabir, Vansh had shown his half-brother what his rightful place was. Vansh’s actions against him had sent out a loud and clear message to everyone to  _ never _ mess with his wife ever again. Vansh supposed it was why the delivery had gone so smoothly. No one had dared to interrupt such a precious moment in his life. If they had, well, they along with the rest of their clan wouldn’t have lived to see another day.

Now with the arrival of his son, Vansh couldn’t risk people thinking he had become soft. From time to time, he would deliver out strong warnings but there would be a lot less blood and violence involved. They would be subtle, often a setback in business in the guise of a huge financial loss. It was enough though to set them all in line.

Vansh turned around and saw Riddhima playing with their son on the bed.

_ That’s _ what he was protecting. The love of his life, and the life that their love created.

Vansh walked over to Riddhima, and craning his neck sideways, kissed her on the cheek. She giggled and kissed him back.

“Come to Papa.” Vansh said, scooping his son up.

Laying on his back, he kept his son raised in the air and gently shook him. His giggles dragged out laughs from Riddhima and Vansh as well.

With his son in hand, and wife by his side, Vansh had never felt more complete in his life.


End file.
